The Gender Based Violence campaign under the auspices of the Board of Deputies is extending awareness to include dating violence.
Dating violence occurs when one partner tries to maintain power and control over the other through one or more forms of abuse, including sexual, physical, verbal and emotional abuse. Dating violence affects both females and males, and does not discriminate by racial, social or economic background.
Teenagers generally do not tell people when they are involved in a violent relationship, so it is important for adults to be alert for signs that a teen may be involved in a relationship, that is, or has the potential to become, abusive. Some of the following signs are just part of being a teenager. But when these changes happen suddenly, or without an explanation, there may be cause for concern
- Does the individual have unexplained bruises, scratches, or injuries?
- Do you see signs that the individual is afraid of his/her boyfriend or girlfriend?
- Does the boy/girlfriend seem to try to control the individual’s behavior, making all the decisions, checking up on his/her behavior, demanding to know who the individual has been with, and acting jealous and possessive?
- Does the boy/girlfriend lash out, criticize or insult the individual?
- Does the individual apologize for the boy/girlfriend’s behavior to you and others? Has the individual casually mentioned the boy/girlfriend’s temper or violent behavior, but then laughed it off as a joke?
- Have you seen the boy/girlfriend be abusive towards other people or things?
- Does the individual seem to have lost interest or to be giving up things that were once important? Has he/she lost interest in school or other activities?
- Has the individual’s appearance or behavior suddenly changed?
- Has the individual stopped spending time with friends or family?
- Have you seen sudden changes in the individual’s mood or personality? Is the individual becoming anxious or depressed, acting out, or being secretive?
Responding to teens involved in dating violence
- Response to the victim:
If you suspect an individual is in a violent relationship, ask him/her about the relationship. Be specific about why you are concerned. If the individual chooses to talk with you, listen quietly, without judging. If the individual does not want to discuss it with you, encourage him/her to talk with another trusted adult and provide the names of people and organizations that can help. This could be a parent, other relative, family friend, rabbi, teacher, school counselor or social worker. If the individual does open up to you, focus your response on his/her needs and feelings and your concern for his/her well-being. Do not criticize or attack the abusive partner. The individual will need to make the actual decision to end the abusive relationship, not you. Ask “What can I do to help?” Encourage the individual to talk with a counselor who specializes in teen dating violence, and continue to support the individual by being caring, open and non-judgmental. Whether the individual is ready to leave the abusive partner or not, it is important to encourage him or her to think about ways to stay safe, for example, by making sure friends are around so that he/she is not alone with the partner.
- Response to the abuser:
If you suspect that an individual is hurting someone in a dating relationship, it is important to talk with the individual about your concerns. Before you talk with them, have specific examples in mind. Listen to what the individual has to say, but make it clear that the behavior is unacceptable and must stop. Do not let the individual deny or minimize the violence or to make excuses. Help him/her to recognize that violence is not an acceptable way to solve problems. Offer to help him/her to locate community resources that can provide counseling. If the individual’s behavior is truly dangerous, you may have to make the difficult decision to report the violence to the police.
Help is available to teens who are involved in an abusive relationship, and no one deserves to be hurt or threatened. Every individual should, and has a right to be respected, be happy, and feel safe.
- Do you feel safe and comfortable in your relationship?
- Do you spend time with friends and family outside of your relationship?
- Is your privacy respected and can you spend time alone?
- Can you express your feelings without fearing your partner’s reactions?
- Do you laugh, play and have fun with your partner?
- Do you each take responsibility for your own actions and happiness?
- Do you feel comfortable refusing affection, date, or other activities?
If you answer ‘no’ to any of the questions above, consider discussing your relationship with someone you trust, such as a parent, friend, school counselor/teacher or call Rhita Russon at Jewish Community Services on 021 462-5520
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